Some Better Ways to Say “I’m Sorry”

Have you ever noticed the different meanings we have for the phrase “I’m sorry”? I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately because I’ve noticed how often some folks say it when they aren’t really apologizing. I’m not talking about those times when someone gives a false apology without actually changing their behavior. I mean those times when we say “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I’m sorry that this has happened.” It seems to me that when we use one phrase to mean a bunch of different things, it often makes it harder to communicate clearly.

Apologies are one of the most important tools we have to keep things happy and thriving. All relationships will have times of misattunement, mistakes, or moments of thoughtlessness, …

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07.13.11 | %% Category: relationships | 10 comments

Can You Consent to Sex in Advance?

Clipped from: www.ottawacitizen.com (share this clip)

Via Salon.com

There’s an interesting court case going on in Ottawa. The case revolves around the question of consent when someone is passed out.

According to the Ottawa Citizen (article taken down as of 3/9/11), a male-female couple negotiated an erotic asphyxiation scene in which he would choke her to the point of unconsciousness. When she awoke, it was to discover that he had inserted a dildo into her anus. And two of the core issues here are whether she consented in advance to whatever he decided to do while she was unconscious, and whether it’s possible to consent in advance.

Without knowing more details, I’m not willing to come down on whether I think that this …

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11.09.10 | %% Category: sex & culture, sexual politics, sexual practices, social oppressions | 3 comments

Sex Tips For Men: How to Ask For Sex

Clipped from: jezebel.com (share this clip)

The fabulous Clarisse Thorn wrote a great article in which she asks why men who are honest about their sexual desires get written off as creepy (among other things). It was originally posted on Alternet and it’s interesting to read through the comments and compare them to the comments on the Jezebel repost.

This is really good timing for me, since I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately (see my posts here and here). In my experience, most of the people who talk and write about male sexual energy and how men act upon it are women. While I owe a huge debt to the many women who helped me shape my understanding and …

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10.08.10 | %% Category: relationships, sex & culture, sex education | 21 comments

Resentment: The Biggest Relationship Killer

The other day, I was interviewed by a reporter who asked me what I think the biggest challenge to sex in a long-term relationship is. I suspect that she was expecting me to say something like keeping the passion alive, or finding new things to try, or even that old standby, communication. But I think that there’s one that is rarely talked about, even though pretty much everyone experiences it : resentment.


In my experience, both as a sex educator and in my personal life, resentment is one of the most common and difficult strains on a relationship, especially a sexual relationship. It’s pretty difficult (if not actually impossible) to treat someone well when you feel resentment, even if it’s not directed at them. Resentment …

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07.26.10 | %% Category: relationships, resources | 11 comments