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I’m generally in favor of anything that gets more discussion of sexual and relationship diversity into the news, but the recent allegations by Newt Gingrich’s second wife about his demand for an “open marriage” after having an affair for six years has highlighted the general confusion about what these words mean.
For example, W. Bradford Wilcox, the Director of the National Marriage Project, wrote in an opinion piece:
[I]n the United States today, women are significantly more likely to express opposition to infidelity and significantly less likely to engage in it. In the 2000s, only 10 percent of married women, compared with 16 percent of married men, reported that they had been unfaithful to their spouse, according to the General Social Survey.
So a
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Continue reading Open Relationships, Infidelity, and Cheating
Last week, I was chatting with a friend who was telling me about her polyamory difficulties. Specifically, she’s perfectly happy having multiple partners, but some of the guys she’s met have tried to convince her to be monogamous with them and she’s rather frustrated with that, understandably.
Her story reminded me of the first cat that ever came into my life. Carter was a huge orange tom cat who terrorized the neighbors’ cats, and in once case, a Doberman Pinscher. But with people, he was sweet and friendly. In fact, he was so friendly that he managed to convince several people up and down our street to feed him. He’d always sleep at our house (usually on my bed), but during the day, he’d wander …
Continue reading Polyamory: Some Kitties Are Just Like That
One of the difficulties I’ve seen when it comes to discussions and debates around sexual practices and communities of erotic affiliation centers on the notion of consent.
On one side, there are the folks who bring everything back to the question of the individual. The general argument is that if a person consents to a particular act, then there isn’t any reason that they shouldn’t be allowed to do it. Yes, this is a vast oversimplification of a much more complex statement, but it often boils down to the notion that people should be able to anything they want, as long as they and their partner(s) consent to it.
On the other hand, there are people who …
Continue reading Consent, Open Relationships, and Sex-Positivity
Following up on last week’s post about a support group for polyamorous folks, this showed up in my in-box. See below and pass it on!
The Living Arts Counseling Center presents:
An Expressive Arts Psychotherapy Group for Polyamorous Couples and Individuals
Are you polyamorous? Non-monogamous? In an open relationship? Curious about exploring this territory together with your partner(s)?
In a judgment-free, safe, and playful space, we will use tools from expressive arts therapy to explore issues of open relationships, including jealousy, boundaries, rule-making/rule-breaking, sex, safer sex, love, emotional intimacy, loneliness, and what to tell the in-laws, the neighbors, or your best friend.
Come find community with others exploring similar territory!
This group is open to primary couples of all genders and orientations, as well …
Continue reading Polyamory Expressive Arts Group Forming
Although more people are discovering and exploring polyamory, it can be hard to find the support you need. A lot of therapists assume that poly folks can’t make a commitment or believe that their problems are due to being poly even though they’re the same issues and difficulties monogamous people have. (The Poly Friendly Professionals list is a good resource, btw.)
Akhila Kolesar, Ph.D. is forming a polyamory support group on Saturdays in San Francisco, so if you’re looking for some help navigating the challenges of your relationships, here’s a good place to go. Here’s the info from her flyer:
POLYAMORY PSYCHOTHERAPY GROUP
Saturdays 1-2:30pm
Convenient Hayes Valley Location
Facilitated by Akhila E. A. Kolesar, Ph.D.
Polyamory is a special relational orientation that offers
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Continue reading Polyamory Psychotherapy Group Forming
CNN.com posted a story today about former sugarbaby Holly Hill’s perspective on men, sex & fidelity. She’s of the opinion that men are going to stray/cheat anyway, so women might as well make room for that. Or as she puts it, “It’s better to walk the dog on a leash than let it escape through an unseen hole in the back fence.”
Now, if that’s something that folks want to agree to, I have no problem with that. In fact, I generally think it’s a better option than sneaking around, since you can agree to boundaries that help you each feel comfortable and safe. The problem I have is with her phrase “negotiated infidelity.”
I understand that for many people, fidelity means sexual monogamy and …
Continue reading The Oxymoron of “Negotiated Infidelity”
This post also appeared on the Good Vibrations Magazine.
There’s a new article on ways that people are creating new visions of what monogamy means on the Psychotherapy Networker site. And while The New Monogamy is written for therapists and other mental health professionals, I think that there’s a lot of wisdom there for anyone interested in creating sustainable relationships.
The author, Tammy Nelson, describes some of the shifts that she has seen during her career as a therapist. As she sees it:
People no longer marry for economic, dynastic, or procreative reasons, as they did for millennia; they can’t be compelled to marry by law, religion, or custom; they don’t need to marry to have sex or cohabit or even produce and raise
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Continue reading New Ways to Envision Monogamy
Over on the Good Vibrations Magazine, I received a comment from a woman whose husband travels a lot. The two of them have a non-monogamous relationship and she’s had some difficulty finding casual partners:
I wanted to address your concept of having casual sex in a positive fashion, and how difficult that seems to be, especially for men. It’s a paradox…most men seem to choose casual sex because they don’t want to have to deal with “relationship” stuff, but if you’re sleeping with someone on a regular basis, you’re having a relationship, albeit one that leads to the bedroom and not the altar. It’s much more difficult to have casual sex than a committed relationship: it takes honesty, openness, integrity and an extremely high degree
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Continue reading Having Trouble Finding Casual Sex
via Franklin Veaux
I’m not convinced that this accurately describes all of the ways that people are non-monogamous, but it definitely captures many of the complexities and the relationships between different structures.
I especially like his explanation for making this chart:
I’ve been told, many times, that the word “polyamory” is not really necessary, as it’s simply a synonym for “open relationship” or “swinging” (or, depending on the person talking to me, “cheating”). This idea seems to assume that there’s really only one kind of non-monogamy, which is kind of silly.
There’s a bit more at his site. Check it out. …
Continue reading A Map of Non-Monogamy
CNN posted an article today called “The Downside of ‘Friends with Benefits,’” which is another example of someone writing about sex without taking a look at their own assumptions about sex, relationships, and how people work.
The focus of the article is the increase of STIs and the claim that having more than one partner at the same time (“concurrency” if you want to get technical) increases one’s risk for sexually transmitted infections. I can buy that- if you’re exposed to more people (everything else being equal), you’re at a higher risk, just like you’re at a higher risk for the flu if you’re around lots of people than if you stay home.
According to the article The Contexts of Sexual Involvement And Concurrent Sexual …
Continue reading Love, Romance, Fidelity, and FWBs
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