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Clipped from: yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com (share this clip)
Every so often, there’s another cycle in the fight over casual sex. This time, the argument was sparked Jaclyn Friedman’s piece on Yes Means Yes! The author describes her sexual explorations and describes how they brought her pleasure, fun, and healing. She never suggests that her path will work for everyone. In fact, her entire story is simply a personal reflection.
But of course, that doesn’t mean she won’t get attacked for trying to ruin the world. Susan Walsh over at Hooking Up Smart insults Friedman and calls her dangerous, while making spurious claims about the current understanding of how oxytocin works:
Oxytocin is not some disinformation cooked up by the evil patriarchy. It’s a chemical that floods
Continue reading The Complexities of Casual Sex
Clipped from: www.foxnews.com (share this clip)
Clipped from: www.huffingtonpost.com (share this clip)
The amazing Logan Levkoff has stirred up a hornet’s nest of angry guys. First, she wrote a post called 5 Ways to Get Your Wife to Have More Sex With You, which is full of useful tips for heterosexual men who want to improve their sex lives. Now, I have to say that there are a lot of generalizations in there, but having talked with Logan quite a few times, I can confidently say that she wrote that way because it’s a limit of the medium.
Blogs and websites (especially mainstream ones or Fox) don’t usually want you to write with qualifiers like “some people like this…” or “a lot
Continue reading The Most Important Thing That Men Who Have Sex With Women Need to Know
Ever since my post the last week about resentment, I’ve been thinking a lot about why so many people allow resentments to build and what we can do to avoid them. And it seems to me that one of the easiest things we can do is to tell the people in our lives what we appreciate about them.
I’ve noticed how often people seem to have difficulty being appreciated. In fact, I used to have a hard time of it myself. I was amazingly skilled at deflecting compliments, even when (looking back on it now) I genuinely deserved them. For a few different reasons, it was really hard for me to believe that the other person meant what they said and that I deserved their
Continue reading Using Your Words, Offering Appreciation
The other day, I was interviewed by a reporter who asked me what I think the biggest challenge to sex in a long-term relationship is. I suspect that she was expecting me to say something like keeping the passion alive, or finding new things to try, or even that old standby, communication. But I think that there’s one that is rarely talked about, even though pretty much everyone experiences it : resentment.
In my experience, both as a sex educator and in my personal life, resentment is one of the most common and difficult strains on a relationship, especially a sexual relationship. It’s pretty difficult (if not actually impossible) to treat someone well when you feel resentment, even if it’s not directed at them.
Continue reading Resentment: The Biggest Relationship Killer
This post also appeared on the Good Vibrations Magazine.
There’s a new article on ways that people are creating new visions of what monogamy means on the Psychotherapy Networker site. And while The New Monogamy is written for therapists and other mental health professionals, I think that there’s a lot of wisdom there for anyone interested in creating sustainable relationships.
The author, Tammy Nelson, describes some of the shifts that she has seen during her career as a therapist. As she sees it:
People no longer marry for economic, dynastic, or procreative reasons, as they did for millennia; they can’t be compelled to marry by law, religion, or custom; they don’t need to marry to have sex or cohabit or even produce and raise children.
Continue reading New Ways to Envision Monogamy
Greta Christina has a great piece on the Blowfish blog (note: the original link is broken) about asking for what you want from a lover. And I think that, for the most part, she’s right when she says:
“Oh, I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
It took me way too many years to learn that this is not always a nice thing to say. That, in fact, it’s usually not a nice thing to say. It took me way too many years to learn that, although “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” may seem like a good way to be polite and accommodating and easy-going, much of the time it’s actually a gigantic buzz-kill. It’s a great way to
Continue reading What Do You Want?
Clipped from: Carnal Nation by clp.ly
I have to admit that this is the sort of thing that seems so obvious to me that I’m surprised that someone had to do research. But then, it’s good to have empirical validation, especially since that means that it can be used in other research.
It turns out that romantic relationships work better when we’re able to to see ourselves clearly and objectively, act in ways consistent with our beliefs, and interact honestly and truthfully with others. This makes a lot of sense to me- if we’re withholding information from a partner, it’s harder to connect because there’s a part of ourselves on guard all the time. That creates a tension that makes it challenging
Continue reading Sexual Happiness: To Thine Own Self Be True
Carnal Nation has a new piece up about the ongoing question of whether cybersex is cheating or not. And I think that a lot of the debate is missing the point.
As far as I’m concerned, what makes something “cheating” is that you’re not following the rules. If you’re playing checkers and you move your piece in a direction that’s not allowed, that’s cheating. Unfortunately, when it comes to sexual relationships, the rules aren’t as simple.
Every relationship has a set of rules and those rules vary widely. Even within a culture that has specific rules for relationships, there are still lots of variations. And that doesn’t even begin to consider all of the unspoken rules that people bring to their sexual lives. For some
Continue reading cybersex & cheating
The Canadian media is buzzing about a new bit of research by sex therapist and University of Ottawa psychologist Peggy Kleinplatz on what makes sex great. According to the article “The Components Of Optimal Sexuality: A Portrait Of Great Sex,” which was published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, the key ingredients to great sex are:
Being present Connection Deep sexual and erotic intimacy Extraordinary communication Interpersonal risk taking and exploration Authenticity Vulnerability Transcendence
I think that it’s especially wonderful that the element cited the most of the participants in the study was “being present, focused and embodied.” That ties in nicely with something I wrote a while back about the positive effects of mindfulness practices on sex and it’s also consistent with Sensate
Continue reading what makes sex "great"?
From Aidsmap via Carnal Nation
New research in the online journal AIDS shows that more than 50% of HIV transmissions among gay men are from main (as compared to casual) sexual partners and 46% of infections were from partners who thought that they were HIV-negative. That’s pretty scary- lots of people out there are telling their partners that they’re HIV-negative in good faith, without actually realizing that they’re not. This is why you need to get tested regularly, dammit!
Bottoming accounted for 69% of infections, while topping was responsible for an estimated 28% of infections, and oral sex was responsible for 3% of transmissions. Remember- risk reduction doesn’t mean risk-free. Use condoms. Use lube. Get tested.
Continue reading just because you think you’re HIV-negative…
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