Sex, Shame and Letting Go of “Should”

I’m fascinated by the ways in which guilt and shame play out in our lives, especially our sexual lives. I don’t think there’s a sex educator out there who hasn’t had someone come to them with these feelings and, unfortunately, most of us don’t have much of an understanding of how these emotions work. It’s pretty common for people to say that they want to get rid of shame, or that they want to feel no shame. And I think that’s just as problematic as feeling too much shame.

I should clarify what I mean. Shame exists at one end of a continuum of emotions that also contains guilt, remorse and other less intense feelings. It’s comparable to how rage exists at one end of …

Continue reading Sex, Shame and Letting Go of “Should”

08.25.09 | %% Category: sex positivity, shame | One comment

some/many/most

I spend a lot of time reading sex info websites and blogs as part of my job. They can be a great place to find the latest information about sexuality, get answers to questions, and check out the current thinking about issues that affect sex. Having said that, I’m not the first one to notice that one of the greatest strengths and biggest weaknesses of the internet is that anyone can post a webpage and make it look like they’re an expert. Lots of the writing on sexuality is simply inaccurate or entirely wrong. So here’s an easy thing to look for when you’re checking out the sex info online.

Look to see if the writer makes sweeping statements. That might be something like “women …

Continue reading some/many/most

12.01.08 | %% Category: sex education, sex positivity | Leave a comment

asking for what you want

I’ve been running the workshop program at Good Vibrations for 10 years and I’ve learned some interesting stuff as part of that.

One thing that I always tell my new workshop teachers is that if we put the word “communication” in a class blurb, we get a lot fewer people. We can use language like “talking about sex” or “getting what you want” or “sharing your desires and fantasies with a partner” and we’ll get a full house. But put the dreaded word “communication” in there, and nobody wants to come. It’s happened enough times that I’ve simply made it a policy to not use the word.

I find it sort of fascinating because in my experience, almost everyone could improve their communication when it …

Continue reading asking for what you want

11.25.08 | %% Category: relationships, sex education, sex positivity | Leave a comment
« Newer Entries