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I spend a lot of time thinking about and talking about the connections between sex & shame. To be honest, I think it’s a real problem that we have so little language for thinking about and exploring shame because it’s part of everyone’s life. And it’s especially part of almost everyone’s sex life.
One of the assumptions that I hear quite often is the notion that shame is a bad thing. And while I agree that it’s often difficult to experience, and although I certainly know that it gets used with a too-heavy hand, I believe that it’s not necessarily a bad thing at all. In fact, I find that when I am able to listen to shame, when I can give it the …
Continue reading Shame is a Powerful Medicine
An article on the NY Times site caught my eye today. It seems that a lot of heterosexual men are having a hard time dealing with their partners’ financial success. The idea that men are supposed to be the breadwinner dies hard, and it’s making some guys upset when they aren’t.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably say that my partner earns more money than I do, and that it hasn’t ever bothered me. Partly, that’s because we both need to work- it’s not as if she could support both of us, so as far as I’m concerned, we’re equally necessary even though her paycheck has a bigger number on it. It’s also worth …
Continue reading Dealing With It When Women Make More Money Than Men
I’ve never liked the idea of the “walk of shame.” The idea that you should be ashamed when you’re heading home the morning after rest on and reinforces the notion that sex is something to be ashamed of. And anyway, in my experience, this sort of shame is leveled at women much more often and much more harshly than at men. Meh.
Kiersten at mysexprofessor.com has a post about exactly that. I’m especially in favor with how she ends it:
Thus, we come to my proposition. I think we should reframe the “Walk of Shame” as the “Walk of AWESOME” or some other positive feeling. Someone doing the “Walk of AWESOME” would easily be able to make
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Continue reading The Walk of AWESOME
I’ve been really intrigued by they way that people are referring to Melissa Petro, the elementary school teacher who has been taking a lot of heat for being honest about having been a sex worker, as “that woman” or “that kind of woman,” among other things. It highlights the belief of sexual contagion. Once a woman has been soiled by sex, she loses status to the point that she’s seen as less than “clean” women. It’s a classic way to shame someone. Virgin/whore dichotomy, anyone?
Yesterday, Debauched Domestic Diva wrote a post in which she asked why the anti-sex work folks like Margaret Brooks, Melanie Shapiro, Donna Hughes and Gail Dines aren’t coming out in …
Continue reading Do I Hear Crickets? Where Are The Anti-Sex Work Folks?
Over on the Ms Magazine blog, there’s a post exploring whether porn is racist, which was sparked by some of the things that Gail Dines has said about the industry. And in among the various comments, Dines herself includes a link to the chapter in her book on race and the porn industry. Since I believe in both giving different perspectives a fair shake and not talking about things that I haven’t checked out myself, I read through it. She also has another sample chapter on the topic of growing up female in a culture influenced by porn.
At the risk of saying something that may surprise some folks, I actually agree with quite a bit …
Continue reading If Gail Dines Would Stop Shaming People, Maybe Folks Would Listen
I’m teaching a workshop next week as part of the San Francisco Sex Information Continuing Education program. I’d love to see you there!
Understanding Sex & Shame
Tuesday, August 17th, 7-8:30 pm
Audre Lorde room, Women’s Building, SF, 3543 18th Street, San Francisco, CA
$15 or $5 for current San Francisco Sex Information volunteers
Purchase tickets
Sexual shame is one of the biggest challenges that sexuality educators face. The more we understand about how it works, the easier it is to develop strategies for responding to sexual shame. Charlie Glickman PhD will discuss the roots of shame, how it can both serve and hinder us, the ways that shame is used to reinforce social rules, and the differences between toxic shame and pro-social shame. As
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Continue reading Upcoming Workshop: Understanding Sex & Shame 8/17/10
The NY Times reported today that anyone working out at a gym needs to be really careful to avoid skin infections such as MRSA, impetigo, jock itch, or athlete’s foot from contact with other people’s skin or from gym equipment. These Gym Transmitted Infections (GTIs- a term I just made up) can be annoying, in the case of athlete’s foot, or life threatening, in the case of MRSA. [As an aside, a great way to avoid jock itch is to put your socks on before your underwear. When you do it the other way round, you can transmit the fungus from your feet to your genitals.]
The article offers some great tips, such as assuming that you are being exposed to skin infections, washing …
Continue reading GTIs vs. STIs: Notice the Difference?
Ever since my post the last week about resentment, I’ve been thinking a lot about why so many people allow resentments to build and what we can do to avoid them. And it seems to me that one of the easiest things we can do is to tell the people in our lives what we appreciate about them.
I’ve noticed how often people seem to have difficulty being appreciated. In fact, I used to have a hard time of it myself. I was amazingly skilled at deflecting compliments, even when (looking back on it now) I genuinely deserved them. For a few different reasons, it was really hard for me to believe that the other person meant what they said and that I deserved …
Continue reading Using Your Words, Offering Appreciation
Sexual shame is one of the most difficult pieces of sexuality for many people. Yet in my experience, talking about it and exploring it is also one of the most rewarding. Unlike many educators, I don’t see any value in trying to create a shame-free world, any more than I see a reason to create a world without anger, sadness, joy, or pleasure. Like all of our other emotions, shame is simply part of the human experience and I prefer to explore constructive ways that we can work with it. After all, I don’t think there’s any shame in feeling shame.
I’m really pleased to announce that I’ll be offering a workshop on the topic through San Francisco Sex Information. This workshop is open …
Continue reading Upcoming Workshop: Sexuality and Shame
One of the most common responses to the anti-porn critiques of pornography is that they’re sex-negative and all too often, that ends up creating a “no we’re not/yes you are” argument. And yet, whenever I read the anti-porn side of things, I’m struck by how often sex-negativity is woven into their claims, although in all fairness, that’s not always the case.
I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was that bothered me by the way that Gail Dines keeps talking about gagfactor.com, a website that focuses on men facefucking women. And then it hit me- there are two parts to it. First, Dines is trying to foment a moral panic. And second, she simply doesn’t understand sex.
I can explain the first point better …
Continue reading 7 Ways to Create a Sex-Positive Critique of Porn
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